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| it's past 2 AM and.. i ... am... still.. awake! despite having to be up at a painfully early 9AM for work and not sleeping much the past 2 days, either. i think i'm experiencing an insomnia that results from (suddenly) having so much time after spending 90% of my waking hours writing papers/reading.
so this will be the first summer in many, many years in which I am living alone and living the "single" lifestyle.
actually...
i think it will be the FIRST summer in which I am living alone and living the "single" lifestyle. Come to think of it, the last time I did so I was still living with my parents on the Big Island. So my biggest challenge is: what to do with this time? How to spend the inevitable hours alone, because I can't always be in someone else's company? This will be quite a challenge for me, as things of this nature always have been. I've fared well in the past few months but I've had grad school to distract me. Now, I need to start looking for other things. I've no choice but to take this challenge up, and i'll try to think of it in those terms. New situation, new approach necessary...
Now with the issue of how to get myself to sleep... not exactly sure what to do about that.... but i suppose sleep will come to me eventually... as it always has, with time.. (how am i not tired in the least bit???)
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| undoubtedly, loving someone and knowing that you are just wrong for each other is shitty. really shitty.
on the other hand, finding someone with whom things just feel right - natural - uncomplicated is precious and unfamiliar.
i am still saying goodbye. i have been waking and crying early in the mornings and going back to sleep and crying for short spells late at night and looking at some pictures, saying goodbye a little more. this is the longest goodbye i have ever had to go through, but with time it's becoming the introduction of my new self to the new person who used to be my lover and who is now... a friend.
5 months of breakup and 1.5 months of absolutely no communication can make a formerly intimate person feel like a complete stranger. he came to drop off my things, and i was struck not only by how different he looked, but also how differently we interacted with each other. it hurts a bit that i didn't really get to say goodbye to the old person. but when do you ever get to do that? no, it's a vicious, deliberate clean slice. and both people go their ways. and maybe they cross paths again, but it's never the same. you can never speak the same language or share the same mind again. sure, we still have a connection... but we share a tacit understanding that there are some words that are forbidden, and we just have to lock them away. or let them go.
it's painful in a different way. not the in way that my life used to be painful. the happy memories are painful. but there will be new happy memories, i am sure. in a new relationship that won't compromise my well-being. somehow we brought out the worst in each other, and it didn't matter that we loved each other endlessly. i recall a night alone about a year ago, while teary and quivering on the carpet, blade in hand, I contemplated my veins and threatened to let them loose. i am appalled now to think that i was ever there. how could i have been? i recall so many late-night walks alone in the dark, feeling lost. i spend much more time alone now, but i'm not lost anymore. it hurts. healing takes so much longer than i would like. but it could not possibly hurt as much as what i have been through.
so, what now? what a great question. i can't answer it at the present moment. sure, there are silly little things. acai bowls. long showers. solo shopping trips. crazy nights out involving too many cosmos. i can't really address that big question mark, though. at the present moment i am comfortable with that. i know i'll be able to answer it at some point.
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| yet another sleepless night
life - such a delicate balance of giving and receiving:
of learning to receive with grace
and learning to give in equal proportion...
not to give too much of oneself so that there are only scrapings left at the bottom of the soul
and not to take so much that in trying to fill the emptiness, there is only more void...
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| ahh, the wonderful things that come with a big breakup...
the pain, insomnia, loss of appetite, lack of concentration, feeling of an indescribably overwhelming loss...
memories that float behind my eyes....people who dont know we broke up and still ask me about him...
5 weeks. the pain is still here. not in the same sharp, stabbing way but in a more aching, slow-burning way. some things make me feel better. surfing. ocean. friends. but then i think, time=distance, distance between two people who still love each other.. and that hurts. knowing that right now is just not the time for us. or, time for something different. time for not being one unit anymore. ouch. i need some time alone with my pain. let it simmer for a little bit, maybe cool off in the ocean.
i have made so many big changes in my life in the past year. made friends, accepted to grad school, changed jobs, moved into my own place, took care of some family things that i was keeping inside for a long time, faced my fears, got my first car, admitted to having a broken heart and initiated breakup with boyfriend of three years. all in less than 12 months. i dont know what spurred these enormous life changes... something inside that just needed to break free, i guess. a need for a deep breath of freedom.
i just want to find peace. within myself. without needing anyone else. just peace, in me.
yeah, i still hope things work out between us one day. but i know its not going to happen until said peace is found. i am frustrated, angry, hating the world for the way things worked out between us. the only comfort i have is that this time will make any potential relationship so much better. working out all the unhealthy stuff that was stuck inside of us. i really hope we still have a chance. i'm afraid to let go. it's been a painful, drawn-out process. yeah, it sucks. majorly.
well, i slept for 3 hours last night. it's 1 AM again and i need to try to coax myself to sleep. wish me luck...
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| 1:00 am.
I am operating on physical, mental, emotional exhaustion.
A trip to the big island leaves me wanting more after returning to Honolulu. I crave the peacefulness, the serenity of nature indifferent to my internal turmoil. There's some comfort in the ocean still being the ocean, even though I have completely restructured my life in the past year.
Then there's family...
how long am I going to be "gone"?
I miss the soft scuff of my mom's rubber-soled slippers on the wooden tiles in the morning.
I miss the mornings.
A gecko on the wall watches me type this blog. I noticed the gecko a few days ago. It's the first one I've noticed in my room and not clinging to the other side of the screen. I wonder what kinds of bugs he finds in here.
Homesick. tired. burnt. I need to be replenished, soon.
Talked to my mom today. Her words: Stop worrying about it so much. if you don't know the answer... worrying about it is not going to make it come any sooner. Answer. When will it be apparent? Will it just pop into my head one day? Then, will I be able to drive over there, park in the street parking, and walk up to apartment 3705 like I did before this separation? I need to find a different way to think of my uncertainty. So that it doesn't drive me mad.
1:10
I need to sleep. Need to kick the habit of drinking caffeine late at night to stay up to read. ahhhhh.... i need a break..
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